I wish I knew you. But I can’t. Because there are so many wounds, so many fears, and so many expectations inside me. So much so that perhaps no one will be able to match it.
Sure, I know you did everything possible. Why do I need to, with my deep-rooted fears, I’m still looking for the answer to that. But I can’t find.
There are a lot of wounds. The pain I carry with me from the past, which I drag away like a damaged package. His webbing had already grown into my palm, and he was rubbing it until it was bloody, and when I thought it was healed, I realized I couldn’t let go. It comes with me, no matter how much I shake it and pull it, I leave it, it doesn’t work. Grow with me, don’t expand. Sometimes, if life brings it, I can forget it. But one bad movement from the outside is enough, and the realization strikes me again, That it’s still here, still holding me back, and I haven’t quite let go yet.
How did I try to ask for help so that this terrible pain wouldn’t be a part of me? naturally. From learned doctors to spiritual narrators, I visited everyone, and tried every possibility. I tried to clean it like a pus-filled sore. There seemed to be only a trace of it left, and then – like some cancerous tissue – it began to grow again. And after all these years, it still hurts to think about it when my attention turns to it.
You’ve always been strong. During the many years, life has never drawn me so much that I did not know a solution, and any kind of problems piled up in front of me. Then it came from A to Z. The terrifying, frozen reality, the disappointment that consumes my entire body and soul.There is no comparison between what I felt and what I still carry with me.
There is no place beside me
Put him down, put him down! – They say. – Don’t carry it! – They shout.
I know they are right. There is no room for anything else, until I free myself from the feelings that burned inside me in the past, and which unintentionally fill my heart again.
no. I can’t promise anything. I can’t say you will help. Because there is no room here. do you understand? You didn’t come at the right time. Not at the right time. How are you waiting? Do you want to prove that you won’t hurt me? I don’t even know when the time will come when I will be able to exist and breathe without weight. Why do I trust you?
There is no place beside me, nor in my soul. Believe me, I want you, but that would be a lie If I were to tell you that I am now able to welcome you wholeheartedly into my life. This would not be true even if the stars were brought down from the sky…
No one can carry my burdens, neither with me nor for me. And you know… I’m not alone. Here it is for me he. My package. Until I get rid of him, I can’t let you in.
Opening image: shutterstock